🌟Trigger Warning🌟
I wanted to write about how ive felt throughout our relationship and since Pete died.
I knew going into the relationship Pete had his demons. That would never have stopped me or would stop me though. We all have demons.
Obviously at first I didn’t know the extent of his difficulties. But they became fairly apparent early on, we were both very honest with eachother from the word go. We had both been involved with people who hadn’t treated us right and both were looking for somone to love us for us.
The first overdose was very scary. Im quite a private person and at first I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I did end up telling one friend, who picked me up from the hospital that night thankfully. I did feel let down. I cant lie. I couldn’t understand why he would want to do this when we had had 3 months of loveliness. But I knew deep down that was besides the point. I got through it and forced myself to be the strong one for us both.
The happy times did outweigh the bad for the majority of the time. Don’t get me wrong I wouldnt of been anywhere else but with my Pete, he made me a better person. But that doesn’t mean it wasnt tough. It’s so hard not to get brought down yourself when the person you love has lost all hope.
I did struggle, i felt some days absolute dispair. I just wanted my Pete back, my happy Pete. We would go out sometimes and he would freak out, be attached to me with such anxiety. Sometimes it would make mine worse. Getting him to do normal things like have a shower would cause silly arguments. It made me mad sometimes, not cause I didn’t understand or relate to a degree but because I just wanted him at his best. Some days I would get upset but I didn’t like to get upset around Pete because it upset him, he would feel guilty and I didn’t want to lower his mood anymore than it was.
I knew I was loved. Pete would never let me forget that, he told me so many times a day. I loved that.
It’s hard for me to speak about my feelings as I don’t always understand them myself but I know I wasn’t okay alot of the time. On the outside I was, but inside I wasn’t.
Since Pete died I haven’t felt okay at all. I feel guilty for doing anything, eating, going out, laughing. The smallest things catch me off guard and choke me up. I’ve had days where I have considored ending it myself. I’ve felt triggered to go back to my old ways and self harm. (I haven’t done). Those days are happening more regularly though. I can’t listen to so many songs without crying. I feel like it’s my fault. I worry that he stopped loving me. I miss him. So so much. It physically hurts. I feel broken. I’ve questioned everything a million times and gone back over every inch of our lives to see what I could of done differently or when I could of done more.
It’s exhausting.
Nighttime is the hardest, about 10pm and I feel so alone. People go to sleep but I can’t.
The questions don’t end, was it what he really wanted? Did he love me? Why wasn’t my love enough? Did i do something wrong? What about me? I know in his head he probably thought he was doing the best for everyone, he always said he was a burdon to me, but he never was. And now I feel like the burdon. I feel bad for talking to people about the same stuff all the time. I get to the point where I don’t reach out because I think they will be sick of me, when really I desperately need them.
Apparently everything I’m feeling is normal. But it’s so hard to believe. I’ve seen my GP regularly but they don’t offer counclling for the first 6 months. I can’t be re reffered to the mental health team because they will say in my situation it’s normal to feel how I do. It feels like no matter how much you ask for the help there’s a reason why they want give it. I’ve asked for it, I know I’m not doing okay and I knkw I need it. I’m not really sure what it takes to prove that anymore.
Broken.
