🌟Trigger Warning🌟
Friday 7th June 2019
This is the hardest post to write.
The day before (Thursday) I had been with my mum and bestie to collect my wedding dress đź’› had spent the rest of the day with Pete doing average crap, food shopping, cooking, washing etc. We watched love Island (don’t judge) bitched about love Island and went to sleep.
I need to explain one thing here, I have a major phobia of sickness. It’s no joke, I’ve had to have therapy for it which actually made it worse. The anxiety and panic attacks it gives me is exhausting.
I remember waking up around 3am I think. Pete ran outta the bedroom holding his mouth like he was gonna be poorly. I panicked and lay there trying to not listen but listen enough so I knew because it’s worse if I don’t know. Eventually he came back in and said he wasn’t feeling well, I asked if he was sick and he said he felt it but no. He said he would go and sleep on the sofa because he knew i would panic about catching anything. He went on downstairs and I went back to sleep.
I woke up around 8am. I text Pete cause I was worried that he would of been up all night poorly and I knew if I went downstairs and saw that I would go into complete panic mode.
He didn’t reply. I called him twice, nothing. This wasn’t unusual though, his phone was always on silent and if he had been up half the night he was probably soundo.
He had an appointment at 9am but I decided if he had been up all night he wouldn’t wanna go anyway so to leave it.
Around 9am I heard his mum get up and go downstairs, I don’t remember hearing her come back up but she burst through the bedroom door shouting at me he’s dead he’s dead.
I just remember sitting on the edge of the bed, I didn’t know what to say, eventually I said should I call an ambulance and she said it’s to late. So I phoned his sister.
She was round here within minutes. I couldn’t believe that he was dead at this point, it didn’t seem possible. But when his sister arrived I heard her start screaming and shouting, I heard her trying to resuscitate him. I rang my parents and my best friend and they all came straight round.
I couldn’t leave the bedroom, I was so scared. I didn’t know if this was real, everyone was sobbing and I just could not make sense of this.
Suddenly the house was full of people, 3 ambulances, 4 polices cars, family, etc. I never considered that this would happen. A really kind paramedic came to talk to me, he told me that by the time we woke up this morning there would of been nothing we could of done. I don’t think they stayed long as there was nothing they could do.
The police were all over the house, I had to give a statement that could be used at Inquest because I was the last person to see Pete alive. I can’t remember what I said. It’s all such an upsetting blur.
About 4 different policemen came to talk to me separately, so many questions, looked through my phone. It was horrible. I was trying to make sense of the situation but there was so much going on around me.
My parents had left by this point (my choice) but my best friend stayed with me, I wouldn’t of gotton through that day without her.
The police at first told us we had to leave the house so they could investigate properly, the front room was sealed off, they called it a scene but it was a crime scene.
I don’t remember getting dressed that day, I can’t really remember anything other than eventually coming downstairs. I asked them to close to the door to the front room because I didn’t want to see. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to expect.
We went and sat with the family in another room, it was horrible. We all were sobbing, everyone kept apologising to me. But it wasn’t there fault.
I can’t really remember what happened next, other than the police let us stay in the house but in one room, then they told us they had finished what they needed to do and the coronor was on the way to take Pete.
We were allowed to go and say goodbye, but I couldn’t go in there. It was horrible, no words are enough for how I felt.
We stayed out the back so none of us saw when the coronor took Pete.
I think the rest of the day I kept going on adrenaline. Just not the good kind. My friend took me to another friend’s, I wanted to be out of the house but not in public. Then we went to someone else’s house and then on again to someone else’s. I don’t think I got that upset after that morning, I was so numb. I couldnt stop talking about what had happened, but it wasn’t sinking in. I guess that’s what shock is.
It was almost like I was there but watching myself just go alongside what was happening around me.
I went into the only mode I know how and emailed the wedding vendors to cancel, I had to do something I could control. My world was falling apart around me.
I didn’t know where I wanted to be that night, but I eventually went back to Petes. I felt sick coming back into the house. The atmosphere wasnt good, his mum was worried about me, I was worried about them. It was just shit.
One major thing that bugs me about that day is that we couldn’t find petes phone. We spent the weekend searching absolutely everywhere for it, he never hid it so we panicked that he had hidden it for a reason. It wasn’t until the Tuesday after that the police told us they had taken it on the Friday. I was so angry about this.
I didn’t sleep that night.
The Saturday morning I had to phone round his closest friends to give them the news. We had only told family on the Friday.
I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone having to phone people and tell them, but we didn’t want them finding out from other avenues.
Later that day me and his sister both posted on Facebook. It was the hardest post I have ever written. I wouldn’t normally put anything like that on there but the word needed to be out there for others to see etc.
The love and support we all got was incredible. It’s such a hard concept that we don’t realise how much we mean to people until something so tragic happens. I am so grateful to every single person who has and continues to reach out and support us all. I got over a hundred messages that day.
I honestly don’t remember the rest of those few days now, and I feel like I’ve written enough for today. I appreciate this is a hard read, but I want to be honest. Pete and I built our love on honesty and I hope he would be proud of me for sharing our story.
