Its been one of the worst couple of weeks and some of the best few days.
Last time I wrote here I said I was poorly š· turns out I was a lot more poorly than I realised. Ended up admitted into hospital for 5 days. The chest infection went a lil psycho in my body and made my asthma go bipolar and basically I couldnāt breathe. You know how much I hate hospitals, the bugs, the smell, the memories.
I was put in AMU for the first night, and it was horrific. I have spent so many days there with you in the past two years and it just brought it all back. Seeing you well firstly in resus on more than one occasion, seeing you in a coma and not knowing if you would come out of it. The times where you had taken so many pills that you didnāt even know who I was, those times you would get so mad because you didnāt know what was going on you would hit and kick out and tell me to go away.
It brought every single horrific memory back, and I didnāt know how to cope with that.
I thought Iād only be there a night if that, but they wouldnāt let me go home because I was ātoo poorlyā. I wanted to discharge myself but everyone kept telling me not too so I didnāt.
But all I could think about was the fact that you should of been there with me, looking after me, wiping my tears away when they were trying to bloods etc. I had spent so many times with you there, it wasnāt fair that you werenāt here to help me when I needed you now.
Itās strange because obviously Iāve missed you every day since you left us, and itās gotten harder and harder to deal with. But I think it hit me most being in hospital. Itās the first time Iāve desperately needed you, and only you to comfort me. You knew me inside and out and you would hold me but also tell me straight if I was being a dick. Thatās why we worked.
Itās just not fair.
Jess is and was amazing though, as was kirsty and everyone else. I know you would be so grateful that they were all there for me. I donāt know what I would do without my friends at the moment. And family of course but you know what Iām like with them.
Today is a big day and a big step in moving forward. Itās terrifying. I really really hope that I get good news later on, I honestly have no plan B and donāt know where to go if I donāt. Everyoneās keeping there fingers and toes crossed, praying etc. I need this for my own sanity.
Saturday night Jess and I had an impromptu night out with kirsty and the girls, I drank so many bloody gins šš but we had the best time! I actually felt like I could let my hair down and relax a bit. Obviously you should of been there but itās one of the first times Iāve felt confident enough to relax in months. It was nice going out with people who donāt know whatās happened also, no questions, just fun! We have your birthday night out coming up next.. we all plan to get smashed š and I for one can not wait.
Anyway, Iām writing this whilst I wait for Jess to come out of her meeting. Iām starving and if she doesnāt hurry up Iām gonna attempt to drive š¬
I love you Pete, always and forever. Your Hannah xxx
