Its the weeks that lead up to to the anniversary and the weeks after that I struggle with most. The day comes and goes and it’s a mix of making it through and being distracted to cope.
The day itself is the easiest part, some remember, some don’t. But enough remember to keep you going.
3 years. 3 whole bloody years. How does that happen?! It almost feels like double that but at the same time it happened yesterday, time is a very strange concept when trauma hits.
I think it’s fair to say I’ve struggled a lot in recent months, my mental health hasn’t been great and I have been hurting more than I can put into words.
I haven’t had the support from where I needed it to come from most, the support that shouldn’t need to be asked for, it should just be a given. I’ve spent a lot of time not feeling good enough, or feeling like I’m a problem/burden. In the last few months or so I’ve gained and lost a lot of myself.
I have a ‘before Pete’ and ‘after Pete’ version of my life and currently they are so conflicting and this is a whole new head space for me to grasp.
I live my life in the hope I am making him proud, he was my biggest supporter, he never doubted my abilities, he helped me gain strength and showed me how I deserved to be treated.
My situation is unique to me and no one can fully understand the pain it brings me but that’s okay. However the one place you should get unwavering support is the one place I currently don’t get it. The uncertainty, the feelings of being not good enough because why else would I be treated this way?
It’s heartbreaking.
There’s that quote, ‘People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. I feel like I’m pretty accomplished in the reason/season but a lifetime? That would be nice.
It’s a shit time of year for me, so he’s a bit of a cryptic blog. Don’t hate, don’t wish pain on people. Be kind, love hard an don’t let anyone take that away from you! We all deserve love, especially in the darkest of times.
