🌟Trigger Warning🌟
I know I talked about this in a previous post but then overwhelming feelings of guilt are so hard to live with. It’s the guilt you feel for doing anything. I feel like people would expect me and I should be sat at home sobbing all day and night for months on end, but it’s just not possible.
I couldn’t eat, sleep etc for the first few days, It felt really wrong to considor doing those things when Pete can’t anymore. If you know me in person yourll know I’m always giggling, I’m sarcastic and brutally honest (ha) but almost always giggling about something. Since Pete died I’ve felt so guilty for being me.
I live my life not taking it to seriously. I’ve been through enough to bring me down and I’ve really tried the last few years to be a more positive person. I’ll happily take the piss out of myself before anyone else gets the chance. Me and my bestie never have a day together where it goes to plan, but that’s our life, we embrace it and get over it.
It’s really hard to live a positive laid back life when things really don’t seem to be going your way at all. Since Pete died I’ve had other bad things happen that I’ve had to deal with at the same time and I feel so pathetic saying this but it just isn’t fair. I want a break from bad.
I’ve kept myself so so busy for me, I’ve gone from not doing that much each week to being out everyday with different people.
I went to camp bestival for the day with my bestie and my god daughter and her family. It was meant to be me and Pete going so it was a hard day anyway because it wasn’t meant to be this way. It feels wrong saying I had a nice time because I feel that guilt so bad, but I did.
I knew Lewis capaldi was singing the day we went and I was nervous because I didn’t wanna break down in front of other people.
When he performed I was fine till he sung hold me while you wait, the lyrics hit so hard right now and I couldn’t hold it in and got upset. My bestie and god daughters mum were amazing and held my hands and got me to giggle through the tears. At the end my god daughter noticed I was upset and came and asked me what was wrong, I said I’m okay I just miss Pete. And she said to me, it’s okay hannah, I’m here and I love you. Pete was the best when he was here wasn’t he, now we are the best. Then she cuddled up to me for the rest of the evening. I don’t know how children know how to say the right things, she is 6. But she got me through the rest of that day. She’ll never understand how much it meant to me till she’s older but I’m forever grateful to have such a little ray of sunshine in my life.
I decided I wanted to get a tattoo for Pete, one that wouldn’t be obvious to anyone who didn’t know but one that would mean the world to me. Pete always told me he loved me, always. So I got ‘always ;’ on my wrist so I could hold it close to my heart. The always is for Pete and the semi colon is for both of us. It’s in memory of Pete and his mental health but it’s for me to because and I hate saying it, my story isn’t over yet. As hard as it is to believe right now and there are days when I wish it was over, it isn’t. It was perfectly done and now he will always be close to me in a way.
I feel like I’m babbling on but I it’s helping to write it all out, it feels like I’m releasing some of the bubble in my brain and I hope in time I’ll be able to look back and see how far I’ve come.
