🌟Trigger Warning🌟
I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with right now is the fact life moves on. And quickly.
Everyone said to me that after the funeral it would get harder and people would disappear and they were so right.
I’m not saying everyone, but you go from having so many messages a day to the odd few and there generally from the same people, which then makes me feel like a broken record/burdon to them because I’m not okay.
Its hard to sit by and watch everyone else carry on with there normal lives when I feel like mine has been paused. Don’t get me wrong I don’t resent anybody for living there life, if anything that’s the most important thing right now. But to watch its just really hard.
Its also wedding season. My social media is full of weddings, engagements, babies etc. I’m happy for everyone but again it’s just hard to watch it happen. I suppose it’s natural to feel this way though.
It’s the reality of the situation I’m in. One I didn’t choose to be in, or want to be in. But the one I find myself in.
I know Pete would want me to carry on, he wouldn’t of wanted me to sink as low as I have. But it’s painful and exhausting.
I’ve had plans the past few days and cancelled them all. I so wanted to do the things that were planned but I’ve barely left my bed. I know it’s not healthy but equally I have nothing in me that makes me want to get up and go right now.
I hate letting people down, hate it. I don’t normally say no but right now this is me.
I suppose it’s hitting my mental health hard right now. I’m reading into things to much and over thinking things more than ever, I’m taking things the wrong way from people who actually are just trying to help but live there lives at the same time. I feel triggered mostly at night time, seems I have my own witching hour(s) these days. I sit up sobbing till I eventually fall asleep. I write things on social media that worry people, I don’t mean to worry anyone I just have to write it all somewhere.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m ungrateful for the support and out reach because I’m not at all. I have appreciated every single message, call, text etc and I can’t thank people enough. Some people have gone above and beyond and I will be forever indebted to them for that. It’s just a very difficult situation to get my head round. And sometimes it gets to much.
Pete is at peace now, but I’m not.
