Since losing Pete I have noticed many people say the same things to you. Understandably these things are what I would of said to someone to before hand. But since losing Pete in the circumstances I did and the fact he was my fiancé I wanted to talk through a few to explain why sometimes the ‘normal’ things we would go to say actually don’t really help.
When Pete died I received over 100 messages of offerings of support and love. I am and will always be forever grateful for those. But in the months that followed, people carry on with there lives (rightly so) but my life was halted, and to an extent it still is. It got to the point where I felt guilty for posting on my social media how I was feeling, I felt like a broken record. I since decided that I didn’t care what people thought, they don’t have to look at what I post, for me it’s like a diary and something to look back on. But what I want people to realise is it’s lovely that you say these things at the time, but please continue to check on someone who is grieving. Grief doesn’t go away overnight and your life will move forward, but there’s won’t for a long time.
I know my Pete wouldn’t want me to be sad. But it really doesn’t help when people constantly tell you this. It makes me feel like I’m being unnecessarily sad and that people expect more from me. It’s okay for me to be sad when it happened, now, in 10 years time. Because this is grief. Grief doesn’t have boundaries or a time line.
This is a really hard one. People mean well, but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to hear that I’ll get through this, it almost takes away from the loss. Like it says above, I don’t have a choice but to get through this, but just because you say it doesn’t mean it’ll happen over night. I need people who will be understanding when it appears I’m doing okay but I’m not.
This one I find really difficult. It’s something we ask each other each and every day but do we really want to hear the honest truth? Because I know most people are taken aback when I don’t answer with ‘yes’. I’m living a new version of okay, I’m never okay, how can I be? But people don’t want to hear the same old constantly. My ‘okay’ is hurting, everyday is painful because everyday is a reminder of what I’ve lost. I am learning to live with this loss but it’s a slow progress. So when you ask me if I’m okay, I might say yes because I think that’s what you want to hear. But if I’m brutally honest about how I really am, please don’t shy away from it.
I know you want to comfort me, I know you want to give me hope that in the future I’ll cope better with losing Pete. But above explains all I that I feel. I do feel different to the first few weeks of losing Pete, those weeks were traumatic. But I don’t feel ‘better’. The grief has changed but it’s become harder. Time moves forward, years pass but grief doesn’t stick to a time line. Grief is like a rollercoaster and you never know if your going to be able to get off.
‘Time changes things. That I will agree. But time doesn’t mean it’s easier. It’s just different.’ Exactly that.
I’m going to leave it there. I could talk about my grief for days, and in time I will talk more on here. But that’s enough for now. Please please don’t be offended by what I have written, it’s not my intention whatsoever. If anything I hope people can take what I say and have a better understanding of why someone grieving may not respond well to the ‘normal’ things we say. As I said at the start, before losing Pete I would of said exactly the same. I’ve appreciated everyone’s messages, but please remember, grief doesn’t go away.
Photo/quote credit to: @GlitterandGrief on Instagram ❤️
