I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while now, but it’s taken a long time to take it all in.
We had Petes inquest in December.
When Pete died some of us had to give statements to the police, me because I was the last to see and speak to him alive. And his mum because she found him.
We were told at the time we may need to read these at inquest but would hear closer to the time.
We never heard anymore.
On the day of the inquest me, my mum and friend, Petes family and extended family all arrived and were ushered into a waiting room.
When the court was ready we were taken into the room, it was at this point they asked for me and Petes parents and sister to be sat in the front row as we would be questioned by the judge as we were ‘people of interest’.
This threw me and I just burst into tears.
There was about 20 of us in the court. Half were Petes family and mine, the other half was Petes psychiatrist, psychologist, CPN, there manager, a women from the head of the mental health department for Dorset, police, some people I can’t remember exactly who they were and people working for the court.
It wasn’t a huge room but it was fairly intimidating.
The judge/coroner opened the court and explained how it would work. She would go through the post mortem, the toxology report, the police report etc etc she would call me and Petes mum as witnesses to be questioned, as well as Petes CPN, psychiatrist, the policeman from the day, the mental health teams manager. I think that’s it.
Oh there was also a report written by Petes GP, this was read out. It stated all the times pete had been able to acquire medication from the pharmacy over the last 6 months previous to his death. It also stated the information of his final GP appointment.
One thing I didn’t realise is that after you die they can tell people things you had wanted kept secret. I don’t agree with this.
So the coroner went through all this reports, this took about an hour and then we had a break. It was extremely tough.
After the break Petes mum was questioned and then I was. She asked me lots of questions regarding how pete was leading up to his death, what I thought and questions about the day itself. One main question she asked me was ‘Do you think it was suicide or a cry for help?’
How was I meant to answer that?!
My response was, I couldn’t say for certain either way, I don’t think pete ever truly wanted to die, I think he wanted a break from being inside his own tortured brain but with all the previous attempts it was hard to not think he must of wanted it sometimes.
After that the policeman was called to the stand, his questioning was pretty straight forward, the police have to be called to any unexpected death. But where it was obvious none of us were involved in Petes death they didn’t have to do much.
Then came his psychiatrist. He was on the stand for what felt like forever, it was around 45 mins I think.
He went through all of Petes mental health history, all the therapy, all his private details. It was horrific to sit and listen to.
I have personally never liked this persons way of treating people, and I don’t think any of us left liking him that day. He smiled through most of his time on the stand and it felt so inappropriate.
There was another break at some point here.
We had expected the inquest to last no long than an hour & a half. It lasted 4 hours.
After this it was Petes CPN who took the stand. We have nothing but good things to say about him, Pete respected him a huge amount and appreciated all his help and support.
It was the most heartbreaking thing to sit through. He answered all his questions and at the end we were allowed to ask questions to any witnesses also as we were people of interest.
Petes sister said we had no questions but wanted him to know we all appreciated every single thing he did for Pete and we didn’t want him to blame himself in any way. I have never seen someone cry so hard. It was so clear to see he cared so much for Pete. He was taken by a colleague out of the room. My heart broke for him so bad.
Then there manager was called. His answers all felt very much like he was covering there own backs.
Id just like to mention here that we hadn’t blamed or felt the mental health team were to blame at all.
The coroner then delivered her verdict.
Which was essentially inconclusive to an extent. She said she couldn’t say it was suicide or a cry for help because there wasn’t enough evidence either way. Pete obviously took the medication himself but only he knows what he meant by it.
I could understand this but it was hard to not have a proper answer to.
At the end the women from the head of mental health for Dorset cane and spoke to us, she said we would now have a ‘serious incident review’ done which is basically a inquest for professionals for then to see if they did all the could and or if there’s anything they could of done better or do better in the future.
I didn’t know this was a thing so was a bit surprised that the inquest wasn’t ‘it’. But a date was set for January once the report was finished for us to be talked through it.
The rest of that day I slept. Slept and slept and slept. It completely took it out of me. I think I cried more that day than I did when he first died, being talked through every detail of his life, my life with him, everything. It was exhausting and so upsetting. I really hope I never have to sit through one again.
One good thing to come out of it was the fact the local news paper despite telling us they would report on it, on the day did not turn up.
I know this is a long one, but thank you for reading it. I always wanted this to be a really honest and raw place for me to be open.
