I thought it was time to give my blog a little update considering it’s been just over a year since I last posted.
Heads up in advance, this could be a long one!
I guess the most obvious place to start here is covid 😬 I spent the first 6 weeks by myself, didn’t leave the flat or see anyone.
It felt so cruel at the time, I hadn’t even been in the flat for 6 months and suddenly I wasn’t allowed to leave it or have company. It was really hard. There were nights were I was convinced I wasn’t gonna make it to morning, the dark thoughts and pain was to strong.
I was lucky enough to have such a great team of supporters though, my little bestie being one of the main ones, we face timed daily/ house party/ Skyped you name it we did nit! One day I will tell her how much she has helped me keep going through the hardest times in my life ❤️
Everything became an online experience, catching up with friends and family, games nights, quizzes, even watching movies together but apart!
I find change extremely hard. It’s a part of my Aspergers I least like to be honest. So adapting to a whole new life style took its toll on me some days.
Before long Petes 1 year anniversary came around. Thankfully restrictions had lessoned at the time and I was able to spend it in his parents garden with his family.
It was a hard day but I am forever grateful for all the people who have constantly supported me through all this time, old friends and new, I couldn’t have done it without you.
One thing I’ve realised, is i tend to find the weeks leading up to anniversaries and the weeks after harder than the actual day itself.
Im tormented by flash backs and nightmares, even more so since hitting year 2. I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, I won’t go into detail as I want to do a post specifically on this.
When I first lost Pete the grief was so harsh, it was a constant. The pain wasn’t only emotional it was physical pain. My heart actually hurt.
People told me it would change over time but in those moments I couldn’t believe that. How would it? I would still love my Pete just as much so why would the pain change?
But as we reach just past year 2, I can understand more of what they meant. You learn to live a new normal, it’ll never be the same because life has changed, trauma has happened and you are not the same person you were before.
But just because the grief changes, it doesn’t mean it gets easier, it just means you learn to live alongside it.
I have so much more I didn’t even realise I wanted to say so I’m gonna leave this one here and write another post. Think my writing mojo is finally coming back 🙂
