Always and Forever

Over the next few months we organised our wedding, we only wanted a small ceromeny with only our 2 best friends as witnesses. No family.

Then we planned to have a party a day later for everyone else. I didn’t even think I wanted a proper wedding dress, but that soon changed when I went shopping ha!

Around August Pete was discharged from the mental health team. I wasn’t happy about this, yes he was doing incredibly well but I didn’t think they had dealt with enough of the problems well enough. Im no professional but Iived with Pete and was with him constantly bar work, I knew him inside and out.

Pete was obviously ecstatic. He knew my concerns but he assured me he was okay and he knew what to do if he dipped. Like I said before, I had to trust him. Relationships don’t stand a chance without trust.

September came around and Pete was allowed back on the road (it’s not my story to tell.) this day couldn’t come soon enough, midnight hit on the 17th and out we went cruising.

The next few months went past happily. The good days began to outweigh the bad and we started to talk about plans for the future. Pete wanted to be a dad and I have wanted children for so long. We couldn’t wait to start trying for a baby but wanted to wait till the wedding first.

Christmas came and it couldn’t of been better ❤️ we kept to tradition and opened our presents from eachother at midnight, I’m always nervous when people buy me presents as I don’t have a poker face and I’m way to honest. If I don’t like it, your gonna know 🙄 but Pete always bought me the most amazing gifts. I was a very lucky girl.

It was around this time that Pete started to struggle at work, his manager wasn’t around much and the pressure put on him he wasn’t coping well with. This became the beginning of the end.

Actually breaks my heart to write that last sentence.

It was July 1st 2018. We had planned to go to the cinema that afternoon but I woke up in a foul mood 😬

It was more anxiety than anything, I find some things difficult some days I can do it all, the next day I can’t do the same things because of my anxiety. It’s frustrating but I’m used to it now.

It was an odd day, I came downstairs and Pete was talking to his mum as soon as I came in they stopped. When I questioned him he said oh it was nothing etc.

So I spent all day feeling very sorry for myself, pissed off cause I didn’t want to go out. Stressing. I asked if we could postpone the cinema and Pete was so adamant that we had to go! I couldn’t understand why he was so obsessed with going, the film wasn’t even one we were both desperate to see.

Eventually I got myself ready, very reluctantly. I got dressed and we went into town. I actually fell asleep during the film, I remember Pete saying later he had hoped I’d wake in a better mood but alas it wasn’t to be 🙄😂

When the film finished Pete said his dad was picking us up but had parked in a car park the other end of the beach. I was fuming 😂 I couldn’t understand why when all he needed to do was grab us from the cinema.

Honestly he must of loved me because he still went ahead with his plan and I was such a cow!

We walked through the gardens to the beach, by this point I had given up and was just being a moody bitch. Not proud but promised I’d be honest!

We were walking along the sea front and suddenly he pulled me onto the beach and in front of me was a red blanket, with love spelt put, flowers and champagne..

He got down on one knee in front of everyone and proposed. Obviously without any doubt I said yes ❤️ everyone clapped.

As it turned out he had got his friend taking photos secretly and another videoing it!

I felt like a level 100 psycho bitch that day 😂

He said he was crapping it all day because he didn’t think he would get me to the beach, I honestly felt like the biggest twat. But bless him he pushed through and got me where I needed to be that day.

His parents did eventually pick us up 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 and we got food and went home. It was amazing.

I think something seemed to click that day. I don’t know if it was seeing me so broken or a realisation that he had things to live for but something changed.

Pete started EMDR. I was dubious, I’m very much a see it to believe it kinda person and this seemed very strange. But Pete was happy with doing it so of course I supported him fully.

Around April time he decided he wanted to get back into work, this made me and his family nervous but when Pete got an idea in his head nothing and no one could stand in his way.

Within a couple of weeks he had a job at a supermarket and was excelling. He shocked us all in his sudden get up and go attitude. He said the EMDR was really helping him and he felt good.

Whilst that was so lovely to see, it was also hard because as quick as we go up, we also fall down. It was always a worry in the back of my mind because Pete wanted bigger and better. Within two months of his job he was promoted. That still wasn’t enough.

It was June time and my brother was getting married, we had such a wonderful day and my family loved Pete so so much. I later found out that he asked both my mum and dad for my hand in marriage and had made them both cry talking about his love for me.

I only have good memories of this time, don’t get me wrong Pete still had bad days but it was a complete turn around. You wouldn’t of recognised the man who couldn’t leave the house 3 months previously to the man who was the life and soul the party.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

January 2018 came and it came to light that Pete wasn’t being completely honest with his therapist about what had happened to him.

He asked me to go to his appointment with him and to speak for him, they needed to know however hard it was.

I still hadn’t gone home since that day in December, he didn’t want me to leave him and I didn’t feel okay leaving him either so it worked.

February came round and Pete started to act strange again. He would get angry over the smallest of things, he was so irritable with me when I hadn’t done anything and I started to see the signs.

A parcel arrived one day, he told me it was for my valentines day present and hid it.

I was suspicious but at the same time there has to be some level of trust in any relationship for it to work. I wasn’t his carer or nurse I was his girlfriend. I was already in control of his medication.

Now I don’t remember everything of this occasion but I’ll write as honestly as I can.

It came to a head one afternoon, I had been doing something on his phone and a email came through from a hotel locally confirming his stay and requests. I knew we both didn’t have the money for something like that which concerned me so I questioned it.

He wouldn’t tell me, down right refused. This wasn’t like Pete at all and it worried me.

I managed to look through his phone properly and found he had booked himself a room at said hotel, he had also asked that a parcel be delivered there for him.

Because I knew this he didn’t have a leg to stand on and backed down.

He had been researching how to suffocate yourself with a CPAP machine.. Don’t ask me how this is possible, I could never get my head round it. He had ordered a machine and what he needed and planned to do it in that hotel room at the weekend.

I phoned his CPN immediately and told his mum. It was not easy.

Back to the crisis team.

It’s so hard to sit and write these posts, I so wish I could of done more. But I honestly don’t know what more that would of been, how do you stop someone so determined?

Christmas eve came and if you know me, yourll know I’m basically buddy the elf at Christmas. Well from August leading up if I’m honest 🤦🏼‍♀️

Pete wanted us to enjoy it no matter what and put so much effort into making such a sombre time a perfect day.

We ordered a Chinese and watched Christmas telly till midnight. Then we opened our presents from eachother.

He spoilt me so much, the most thoughtful presents. Personalised to me. It was special ❤️

We eventually went to sleep, well he did, I waited up for santa, obviously. 💁🏼‍♀️

The next morning we had a early wake up call from petes nieces, fueled with Christmas excitement. We had a family breakfast together and opened presents.

A stranger looking in would of assumed we were having the best day, but Pete wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay. None of us were, it was only 5 days previous we didn’t know if he was coming home with us again.

Pete and I spent the rest of the day at my friends.

He was embarrassed when the crisis team phoned to check in but nobody was judging. Everyone was just so grateful he was there.

I am and was so so proud of him for that Christmas, it can’t of been easy showing your face to anyone let alone my friends at such a hard time. Pete was stronger than he realised.

After a few days we went back home to his. Welcoming a routine.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

The next few days I was so scared to leave Pete alone. I had plans with friends and family over the Christmas period but with the added visits from the crisis team morning and night those plans didn’t stand any importance.

I just want to say now, please do not take my views as your own, we each view things differently but for me the crisis team were useless.

I remember them phoning and deciding they didn’t need to see Pete the day he came home. They would come the next day.
I didn’t know what to expect at this point having never dealt with them before.

Pete knew some of them from previous times of need before me.

This is the problem I had with them.

They come round for less than half an hour each visit, they essentially have a tick list of questions.
Do you feel suicidal today?
How is your mood?
Have you eaten?
Now I don’t know about you but I know personally you can be whoever you want to be for half an hour a day. I could be having the worst day but sit there, answer questions, make eye contact, smile etc.
Basically it’s not hard to fake it for such a short amount of time.

Around this time there was talk of Pete going in for inpaitent care. He voluntarily agreed to this.

But there were no beds.

By the time a bed became available Pete had been discharged from the crisis team and was told he wasn’t ‘ill’ enough for the bed.

I knew differently, I hadn’t gone home since the initial overdose and I was with him 247. He needed help, help I didn’t know how to give, nobody was listening to me or him and it scared me going forward feeling so alone.

This evening I’ve been to a support group.

This is the second time I have gone, the first time it was traumatic. Its hard enough going there with your own feelings but sitting and listening to everyone else’s stories wasn’t easy. My heart broke for every single person there.

Tonight however it was different. I was nervous to go but as soon as we sat down it felt like we were part of the family. Albeit a family nobody wants to be a part of, but a band of support none the less.

I didn’t feel able to speak so my friend spoke on my behalf, breif but that was all that was needed. We sat for over an hour listening to other people talk about how the previous month has been for them. For some it has been a better month, for others the pain is as unbearable as it was that first day.

After that there was a break and we got chatting to a couple of ladies there, both so so lovely. It sounds bizarre to say i enjoyed tonight, but it was so nice to be around people that completely understood how I’m feeling. They were also brutally honest with me about how it’s going to feel, probably forever. I appreciate that though, people sugar coat things but for me, I wanna know the truth. Tell me it’s gonna hurt for years, don’t lie to me with false hope.

I said to one women how I didn’t feel like I was coping well. She turned to me and said, from an outsiders perspective, I was at the meeting, I was dressed, I had clean hair and make up on, I was chatting and I was smiling. She said that shows me that you are stronger than you think, and coping more than you can see.

As we were leaving the women who runs the group gave a bunch of flowers to another member. This member immediately came and gave them to me, she hugged me and said she new the upcoming weeks would be hard for me and felt I needed them more than her.

I’ve met these people twice, some only once. They are a beautiful group of broken people holding eachother up. I am so grateful that I found them and took the huge step to go. Its not for everyone and its certainly not a ‘club’ anyone wants to join but if you need it, it’s there.

🌟 Trigger Warning 🌟

The next few hours are all quite blurry. I remember going to the hospital with his parents and being ushered into the family area. It was there they told us Pete was in resus.

I don’t know if any of you reading this have ever been told a loved one is in resus, but it kicks you where it hurts. I was so so scared.

Eventually we were allowed in to see him, his parents left us alone for a bit to talk. I don’t really remember what was said, I know he apologised and seemed confused. He told me he loved me.

I stayed at his house that night, In bed alone without him, I cried myself to sleep.

The next day we had to wait for visiting hours so it was about 3pm when I finally saw him again. This time, I remember asking why? Did you really want to die? What about me? Am I not enough?

We both cried.

He told me that it wasn’t my fault, he said it broke his heart to watch me sob at his bedside. He said he didn’t really want to die, but he couldn’t cope with what was going on inside and wanted that to stop. It was heartbreaking to listen and see him battling something none of us can truly understand.

Pete was kept in another night because the tablets he had taken were slow releasing and where he had taken so many it took over 72 hours and countless glucose drips to bring his levels back to normal and keep them there.

Another night without him. There’s no words that really describe how it feels to go home alone not really knowing if the person you love will ever be okay.

He was discharged on Thursday 21st December. 4 days before Christmas. We kept to our orginial plans and had our friends over that evening. Pete wasn’t okay, but life doesn’t stop for mental health and he didn’t want it to either.

🌟 Trigger Warning 🌟

There’s no easy way to talk about mental health. Especially suicide. It’s not something alot of people want to comprehend.
Sadly statistics show that suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45. Let that sink in.

I knew Pete suffered from the word go, that didn’t bother me. I have been through enough myself to never judge anyone on there journey.
I’m the type of person who likes to help anyone and everyone, but with mental health its not as easy as just helping.

Around 2 months into our relationship Pete stopped going to work. He started feeling poorly alot and ended up in hospital a couple of times, they could never find anything wrong.
In hindsight it was probably anxiety.

It was December 2017, we had been together only 3 months. I had been to my friends to swap presents in the afternoon before getting the bus to see Pete that evening.
Pete met me off the bus and as soon as I saw him I thought, you look high. I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want him to feel self conscious if it was nothing.
We walked towards his and decided we would go see his sister and nieces for a bit.
Pete wasn’t himself, I could tell that straight away, I offered to pay for us to go for dinner thinking it would cheer him up but he refused.
He went outside for a fag and I followed, whilst talking to me he began to slur his words, his pupils were huge and he definitely wasn’t okay. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, I remember saying what have you taken and he promised me he had taken nothing.
I went inside and told his sister, she immediately phoned for help.

We came back inside and Pete laid down on the sofa, within half an hour he was in and out of consciousness. Eventually we managed to get out of him that he had taken medication to lower your blood sugar. We didn’t know how many.

We waited almost 2 hours for an ambulance to arrive.

When the paramedics arrived they put Pete on a glucose drip but he still didn’t come round properly. He was blue lit to A&E.

I’m the meantime we searched for what he had taken, and in turn found he had taken a minimum of 200 tablets.

I was absolutely terrified. I had never expected in the week before Christmas to be worrying that my new partner would die. But the panic was real.

🌟 Trigger warning 🌟

I’ve never done this kind of thing before. And I don’t really know where to begin. But this isn’t just my story, it’s my fiancé’s to. He should be here right now. In fact it’s 16 days to our wedding. But 11 weeks ago my life changed forever, when he was found that Friday morning having taken his own life.

I met Pete almost 2 years ago. We met online, having chatted to a fair ammount of people but refusing to meet them all there was something about Pete that was different. I don’t know what it was, but there was something that made me feel so comfortable I eventually agreed to meet him.
We met at a local pub one Saturday night in September. I was the most anxiety ridden person you would of ever met that whole day and night. My long suffering best friend took me and came for the first 10 mins to make sure all was as it should be.
We had the most perfectly funny amazing night. I barely spoke, I spent more time chewing my thumb to pieces with nerves. We could hardly hear eachother as the music was so loud. But that smile. I knew, from the moment I saw him that he was the one for me.
After spending a couple of hours in the pub we walked down to the beach and sat watching the waves crash chatting the night away. Before long my bestie was back to pick me up. Pete hugged me goodbye and I went home on cloud 9.

It didn’t take long from that first date till we became inseparable. I believe our love for eachother was obvious for anyone to see. Pete treated me like a true princess. I was so broken when I met him, I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to love me. But piece by piece Pete put my heart back together again.

Our relationship wasn’t easy. But our love for eachother conquered all.
Pete suffered greatly with his mental health. Long before I knew him and right up un till the end. He was incredible, he fought so hard every day to be the best he could be. He always put me first even when he couldn’t cope himself.

I saw first hand how this awful illness takes someone away from themselves. My Pete was happy, he was the the joker of the gang, he always had the perfect response and could turn anyones mood up. But the days that others didn’t see were those days he couldn’t leave the house, he couldn’t get out of bed, shower, eat properly. He was agitated and irritable. Its the hardest thing to watch someone detoriate right before your eyes and know there is nothing you can do to stop it.