Always and Forever

Dear Pete.

2 years ago today you asked me to be your girlfriend and with no hesitation I agreed. I still didn’t understand why you wanted to be with me or why I knew you were the guy I wanted to spend my life with. But there was always something about you, i don’t know what but something told me I’d never look back with you.

I remember the night you text me asking about becoming ‘us’. Obviously I screen shot the hell out of it and sent it to Jess etc etc. I was so bloody excited. As you fully knew I never expected to meet anyone after my previous relationship, I was so broken from it yet you took the time to piece me back together again. You didn’t care if you had to tell me 50 times a day why you wanted to be with me or why I deserved love, you just did whatever you could to halt my insecurities. I’ve never known love like that before and I don’t expect I ever will again.

From our first message, to first date, to becoming official, to being inseparable. Things progressed quickly but it never felt wrong. In fact it had never felt more right.

I cant put into words how lucky I was to have you for the time that I did.

A year ago today, you had just got your licence back, we went to pick up the girls from school and took them to Poole park for treats 💖 we were the bloody best uncle and aunty for treats! Once we dropped them home we went for dinner at the curlew for our anniversary. It was so lovely. Perfect for us.

Afterwards we took our usual drive down to sandbanks and all around, music blaring, just enjoying each others company.

I miss those drives so much. They became one of our things, special time spending quality time together.

This year is different now Pete. Your not here to celebrate our anniversary with me today. It hurts saying that and my heart feels so heavy. But I know your beaming down love on me, i know you’ll be up there watching over me and making sure I cope okay. I’m so lucky that I have Jess supporting me so much right now. You would be taking the piss that we’re far to soppy 😷😷 but it’s your fault! We were cold as ice before this you wally! You broke us 🙈

So keep shining bright down on me and Jess and everyone else please, keep watching over us and keep us safe when we don’t feel it.

I miss you more and more and more than words can say, I love you ever more than that. I always will do Peter Humphrey. Don’t you forget it wherever you are xxx

Dear Pete.

So many things have changed since you’ve been gone. The main thing quite clearly being you.

But soon we’re all going to be moving. Moving from the last place any of us saw you. I feel like it’s the right time now, and I’m ready to move but at the same time terrified at the prospect.

Your parents are moving further away, I’m really gonna miss them. The chats with your mum and constant banter with your dad. Plus we’re all leaving pet cemetery behind! I hope the new owners don’t dig up the garden 🤪. Living by myself is going to be far to quiet to begin with.

I’m gonna really miss your girls and sister, miss them popping in after school and driving us all loopy! Gonna miss there cuddles and the cheekiness. But hopefully they will visit me still. I promise I’ll always look out for your girls Pete, they mean the world to me to.

I’m gutted your gonna miss the new Gavin and Stacey episode at Christmas, seems so stupid but that’s one of the first things I thought of when you died. But it was one of our things hey!

I even watched the sodding football the other night, you would of hated watching it with me though, I asked to many questions! Your dad gets way to into it to! But I did learn stuff, who knew they change goals at half time 😂

Im poorly at the moment, I know you would of had me at the doctors a week ago but your not here so you can’t tell me off! I’ll be alright, I’m dosed up and sporting a fetching mask (stop laughing!)😬.

It’s 92 days till Christmas, and by now we would of listened to the Christmas album about 60 times already 🤭 I feel really odd about it all at the moment, like the excitement is there but I feel so guilty for feeling it! How is it fair to you for me to enjoy myself right now?!

I know you would want me to but it just doesn’t seem right. I have bought some Christmas decks though… and your not here to stop me having my pink palace anymore sooooo 🤷🏼‍♀️

Daisy is excited to help me make my bedroom fit for a princess and she wants to decorate the Christmas tree with me. She misses you lots to! We all do.

I feel like this is the only way I can talk to you freely right now. Not sure if it helps or not but it gets it out of my head for a bit.

I know you would want me to carry on living for you, but I have to tell you it’s incredibly hard and I’m honestly not sure if I can do.

I’m trying though. Always trying. Always for you.

I love you so much babe. I hope you still know that. Always & Forever. Hannah xxx

The struggle is real.

In the last month or so slowly but surely the support dwindles and people disappear to carry on with there lives.

Nobody is going to grieve the same way I am, nobody is effected like me either, because Pete was my man. So even though my life isn’t going anywhere at the moment I know that everyone else’s carry’s on.

People will tell me to message them if I need anything or want to talk, but half of them don’t reply, some I don’t know well enough to feel comfortable to, and the ones that I do talk to I feel like I’m a broken record so tend not to bother.

Please don’t take this as me being ungrateful. I am more than grateful for every single person who has reached out and I always will be. I guess it’s my own insecurities that make me feel the way I do right now.

I feel like it’s one thing after another at the moment.

On Friday I actually got some potentially good news, but I’m so scared of getting ahead of myself or being to excited in case it doesn’t work out. Everything else has gone wrong recently so why wouldn’t this.

I am exhausted all the time, my head is pounding 24/7 and I just want it all to stop. I’m constantly fighting what seems to be a losing battle. In every way possible.

Im not used to feeling this way. I’ve spent the majority of the last few years focusing on being the strong positive one to help others. And now I need that version of me to help me. But she’s not there.

All that being said. No matter how much I’m suffering right now, I’m still always here to support anyone who needs it. Everyone says to talk, but sadly when we do people don’t always respond.

I mean it when I say I will do.

I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, so if the one thing I can do is help prevent others going through similar than I will do.

Today, Friday 6th September is our wedding day.

I should be getting ready and feeling like a princess aswell as having a nervous breakdown because it wouldn’t be me without one.

Pete and I didn’t want traditional, we wanted it to be right for us. So instead of having the wedding in one hit, we were getting married today, with only our two best friends as witnesses and having our reception tomorrow evening with all our friends and family. 

For us it took the stress and anxiety away to a degree. We were getting married at Poole registry office, then going for a meal with our two best friends before going to spend the night at the bridgehouse, our reception venue. 

Our reception would have been beautiful, Pete let me choose most things happily, although he did put his foot down at a Disney fancy dress wedding 😬

We had been buying and planning it since we got engaged, neither of us wanted a long engagement. We just wanted to be married. 

Our theme was rustic and Rose gold, with a little bit of Disney here and there 😉. 

We had everything booked, alot paid for, everything falling into place. I had my dress, the flower girls had there dresses, we had all the decorations, we had our rings, etc. 

I spent a week at the beginning of the year making all our favours so they were personal to us. Every little detail was thought of. If you know me yourll know how much I love the little details. 

The excitement when we wrote and sent out invitations, I just could not wait to be Mrs Humphrey. And I know Pete felt the same 💕I have never believed in knowing when you meet that one person, but with Pete he changed that in me, he was everything I didn’t know I needed and more. He completed me.

I wrote a post on Facebook a few months ago about how I would be a bride in just 17 weeks, it was coming round so quickly but the excitement was constantly there. Pete wrote similar posts. 

But now it’s all changed. 13 weeks ago my life changed forever and my heart was broken. 

I don’t get to wear my dress today, I don’t get to walk down the aisle towards the man who stole my heart. I don’t get to party with all my loved ones and I don’t get to marry my soulmate. I never imagined it would go this way, maybe that was naive of me but its not something you ever want to imagine happening. 

I know that if those demons hadn’t got so big, Pete would still be here with me today. I know that he loved me no matter what. But this sadly doesn’t make today or any day any easier. 

Tonight im going to be with my closest friends and some of petes closest friends, who knows what state I’ll be in but I know that they will be there to hold me up should I need it.  

To my amazing, loving, witty, fun Pete.

You should be here today, down the end of that aisle waiting for me. You would of been crying, I probably wouldn’t and you would of told me I had a heart of stone haha. It doesn’t seem right or fair that today has turned out how it has, you don’t deserve not to be here today, you deserved your happily ever after more than anyone I know. I want you to know that no matter what, you will always have my heart, you are the one person who took the time to get to know me properly, to accept me for who I am completely and to still treat me like a princess. I’m so thankful for all you did for me, you gave me strength to get through the days that try to break me, you gave me confidence when I had none, you told me I was beautiful when I’ve never seen that myself. Our time together has been cut so short, but that only makes me more grateful for the time we had together. Every day was worth it with you, you used to wind me up something awful but I wouldn’t of had it any other way. That was you, my annoying clumsy wally. As much as today hurts, I know that you are at peace now, your head has finally gone quiet and you are free. I hope you will be proud of me going forward, because every step I make is for you babe. I love you more than I can say, always and forever my love. Always xxx

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

‘bad things happen to good people’

‘I know you don’t think so but it will get easier with time’

‘life tests the strongest of people’

‘here it you need anything’

‘message me anytime’

‘if you need me I’m here for you’

‘you need to be patient’

‘times a great healer’

‘you don’t deserve any of this’

‘your stronger than you realise’

Just a few of the things people say when something like this happens. Of course these things are human nature, it’s what we all tell people when a tragedy happens. Some people mean them more than others, some people turn up for information, some people say it cause they think its what you want to hear.

And as much as the out pour of support is gratefully received, nobody can do the one thing you so desperately want. Bring them back.

Ive had it all. I’ve had alot of messages from people I didn’t know before hand, some who I’d like to think will stay friends with me going forward.
Messages from people who just want information.. The day we announced what had happened, I had quite a few people bombard me with messages asking how it had happened, and when I didn’t reply almost all sent more messages asking if it was suicide. I was really taken aback by those people, it’s not something I would of ever asked anyone.
Nasty messages, and people trying to make jokes about the situation…
Beautiful messages from friends and family, ones I’ll keep forever.

But that’s the thing. As amazing as all the messages are, they don’t fix it. They don’t numb the pain. They can’t bring my Pete back.
Everyone will message similar things, and none of it feels believable when your feeling this way. Please don’t read this as an ungrateful post however, I am so so so grateful for all who have been messaging and supporting, I can’t stress that enough.

It’s just nobody has a magic wand.

I wanna skip this month, well the next 10 months ideally. But especially this one.
I wanna go to sleep and not wake up till I feel like I can breathe again. Pete didn’t deserve this, and I don’t think I do either. It just makes me wonder if it’s worth it, life.

All I want is to be with my Pete.

So last night some of petes family went to see a spiritualist.. It wasn’t a private thing it was with around 60 other people.
I’ve never been a believer in anything like this, growing up in a very religious household we were always taught this wasn’t something to every get involved in as it opened up the way for evil to get through.. I wouldn’t say I’m religious now but that’s one thing that’s stuck with me and made it really difficult to understand.
Petes family told me that he wouldn’t come through as it’s to soon since he died.. But they came home last night and said he had come through….
So apparently the guy started talking about the 6th of September, saying it was someones anniversary or wedding day.. Then they said that there was a young man around the age of 27 who wasn’t fully coming through but really trying to get a message across.. They said he died via suicide and it was with pills.
He then said that he wanted his fiancee to know that it wasn’t her fault and that he loves her so very much and apparently repeated this about 5 times..
He said to say that couples argue that’s normal and I did nothing wrong…
Then he said that Pete wanted us to know that it was a cry for help and that he didn’t mean to do it but he is happy where he is now and at peace so we should be happy for him…
He said that Pete expected to be found and there is a message somewhere that he tried to send to somone for help before he died…
Lastly he said Pete had a wicked sense of humour and said that alive or dead his life was gonna be over anyway because he was getting married… (which sounds exactly like something the dicked would say 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️).

So now I’m confused. Very very very confused. Like I’m still not convinced I believe it but when they told me I got so upset. I also feel even worse now and like I’m completely to blame because I should of gone and checked on him.
I don’t understand why he said about arguments because we literally didn’t, and I know I’m talking like I believe it but Im still not convinced.
The guy they saw has a huge following and is apparently very good but who knows.. Half the stuff could of been googled especially after the article in the paper last week..
But then I don’t know either.
It’s such a subjective thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s not something I would ever do personally cause it scares me and I kinda hoped if anything was said it would be something so personal it would only make sense to me..
It’s just not black and white enough for me.
But yeah, if anyone has any advice or understanding of this kinda thing please message me.. My head has been spinning ever since.

This week has been a strange one.

The first 6-8 weeks after Pete died I felt like I was in some bubble, I kept it together, I don’t think I let myself accept it as true. Not entirely sure I fully have now. But I felt bad because it felt like I wasn’t upset enough. Strange.
Then Aug 2nd came, which should of been my hen party and since then my world has caved again and again and again.
I’ve felt every feeling I could of possibly imagined, not only mentally but physically to. It’s horrible what these situations can do to our bodies.

Last week and the start of this one were actually pretty horrible.
I enjoyed seeing and spending time with the people I have but the nights have turned into something I dread. It really scares me being by myself right now. Especially in the night. I know I can’t be with people 247 and people can’t be there for me every minute of every day but that doesn’t take away my fear.
I’ve spent the last 10 days or so crying myself to sleep, then when I do sleep it’s minimal and I have the strangest dreams. I am exhausted.
The questions and heart ache get so overwhelming it’s exhausting in itself let alone not having much sleep along side.

I’m not used to being such a tearful person and I really don’t like it. Pete would find this highly amusing, probably sounds wrong to most of you but if you knew us he would be laughing cause he had broken me and made me have feelings 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ that was Pete though, despite all we went through our relationship was so light hearted, he would be proud of himself lol.

So Monday night I went out with a friend had a really nice evening and came home to be told about the local newspaper article.. If it hadn’t been for one family member buying the paper that day and stumbling across it none of us would of known.

I just wanna correct a few things, I don’t think the article is very clear on anything. It was a page filler in the actual paper and i honestly don’t even see why it was written.

For a start, the inquest has been opened, but that is all. It won’t go back to court till next April.

Secondly and this may not seem important to most but it is to me, he told me he felt sick not his mum. The way the article is written makes it sound like we knew and didn’t do anything. But he felt sick in the middle of the night, he went downstairs cause he was poorly.

I was the last person to speak to him and see him alive. I gave a statement to the police an hour after finding him dead that Friday morning.

‘combined overdose’ a very elusive way to write what it was.. It was combined yes, if was 2 prescription medications. Not any illegal drugs.

I would hope anyone reading this knew Pete well enough to know he would never of touched drugs like that. He was fully against them.

Some of the comments on the Facebook post and on the article itself were horrible! Thankfully they were all removed. But the paper itself refused to remove the article despite numerous phone calls emails etc from everyone.
Infact all they have said is they will report on the inquests findings in April 🙄 yay another article full of shit.

The article made me more angry than anything else, how dare they write such a stupid article with such misinterpretations of my Pete. He does not deserve that. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

I’ve calmed down about it now, I still feel the same about it but it is what it is, they won’t back down because they have a legal right to do what they do. Legal yes, morally no.

Today marks 12 weeks since Pete left us. 12 bloody weeks, that’s 84 days without my soul mate.

And 1 week till our wedding day.

My heart hurts.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with right now is the fact life moves on. And quickly.

Everyone said to me that after the funeral it would get harder and people would disappear and they were so right.

I’m not saying everyone, but you go from having so many messages a day to the odd few and there generally from the same people, which then makes me feel like a broken record/burdon to them because I’m not okay.

Its hard to sit by and watch everyone else carry on with there normal lives when I feel like mine has been paused. Don’t get me wrong I don’t resent anybody for living there life, if anything that’s the most important thing right now. But to watch its just really hard.

Its also wedding season. My social media is full of weddings, engagements, babies etc. I’m happy for everyone but again it’s just hard to watch it happen. I suppose it’s natural to feel this way though.

It’s the reality of the situation I’m in. One I didn’t choose to be in, or want to be in. But the one I find myself in.
I know Pete would want me to carry on, he wouldn’t of wanted me to sink as low as I have. But it’s painful and exhausting.

I’ve had plans the past few days and cancelled them all. I so wanted to do the things that were planned but I’ve barely left my bed. I know it’s not healthy but equally I have nothing in me that makes me want to get up and go right now.
I hate letting people down, hate it. I don’t normally say no but right now this is me.

I suppose it’s hitting my mental health hard right now. I’m reading into things to much and over thinking things more than ever, I’m taking things the wrong way from people who actually are just trying to help but live there lives at the same time. I feel triggered mostly at night time, seems I have my own witching hour(s) these days. I sit up sobbing till I eventually fall asleep. I write things on social media that worry people, I don’t mean to worry anyone I just have to write it all somewhere.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m ungrateful for the support and out reach because I’m not at all. I have appreciated every single message, call, text etc and I can’t thank people enough. Some people have gone above and beyond and I will be forever indebted to them for that. It’s just a very difficult situation to get my head round. And sometimes it gets to much.

Pete is at peace now, but I’m not.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

I know I talked about this in a previous post but then overwhelming feelings of guilt are so hard to live with. It’s the guilt you feel for doing anything. I feel like people would expect me and I should be sat at home sobbing all day and night for months on end, but it’s just not possible.

I couldn’t eat, sleep etc for the first few days, It felt really wrong to considor doing those things when Pete can’t anymore. If you know me in person yourll know I’m always giggling, I’m sarcastic and brutally honest (ha) but almost always giggling about something. Since Pete died I’ve felt so guilty for being me.

I live my life not taking it to seriously. I’ve been through enough to bring me down and I’ve really tried the last few years to be a more positive person. I’ll happily take the piss out of myself before anyone else gets the chance. Me and my bestie never have a day together where it goes to plan, but that’s our life, we embrace it and get over it.

It’s really hard to live a positive laid back life when things really don’t seem to be going your way at all. Since Pete died I’ve had other bad things happen that I’ve had to deal with at the same time and I feel so pathetic saying this but it just isn’t fair. I want a break from bad.

I’ve kept myself so so busy for me, I’ve gone from not doing that much each week to being out everyday with different people.

I went to camp bestival for the day with my bestie and my god daughter and her family. It was meant to be me and Pete going so it was a hard day anyway because it wasn’t meant to be this way. It feels wrong saying I had a nice time because I feel that guilt so bad, but I did.
I knew Lewis capaldi was singing the day we went and I was nervous because I didn’t wanna break down in front of other people.
When he performed I was fine till he sung hold me while you wait, the lyrics hit so hard right now and I couldn’t hold it in and got upset. My bestie and god daughters mum were amazing and held my hands and got me to giggle through the tears. At the end my god daughter noticed I was upset and came and asked me what was wrong, I said I’m okay I just miss Pete. And she said to me, it’s okay hannah, I’m here and I love you. Pete was the best when he was here wasn’t he, now we are the best. Then she cuddled up to me for the rest of the evening. I don’t know how children know how to say the right things, she is 6. But she got me through the rest of that day. She’ll never understand how much it meant to me till she’s older but I’m forever grateful to have such a little ray of sunshine in my life.

I decided I wanted to get a tattoo for Pete, one that wouldn’t be obvious to anyone who didn’t know but one that would mean the world to me. Pete always told me he loved me, always. So I got ‘always ;’ on my wrist so I could hold it close to my heart. The always is for Pete and the semi colon is for both of us. It’s in memory of Pete and his mental health but it’s for me to because and I hate saying it, my story isn’t over yet. As hard as it is to believe right now and there are days when I wish it was over, it isn’t. It was perfectly done and now he will always be close to me in a way.

I feel like I’m babbling on but I it’s helping to write it all out, it feels like I’m releasing some of the bubble in my brain and I hope in time I’ll be able to look back and see how far I’ve come.