Always and Forever

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

Since the funeral I feel like we have all been in some kinda of limbo world. Waiting for the post mortom results and news on the inquest.

Inbetween this time petes parents have sold the house. I have to move within the next couple of weeks and as of now I’m not entirely sure where to. It’s a complex situation which isn’t helping.
But I can understand there need to leave. I guess I feel that this is the last place we were together and I’m trying to hold on to that. I’m scared of leaving, I don’t wanna be somewhere Pete never was. It’s hard.
I have to start sorting his things soon, where do you even begin.

Everyone tells me to take one day at a time but it’s not that easy. I like plans, I thrive off routine. My future has all gone to shit and suddenly all plans and routine have been thrown out. I don’t know how to focus on one day at a time. I’m constantly looking ahead. But right now that scares me so much.

There are so many dates coming up, the wedding weekend, our anniversary, petes birthday, Christmas etc etc I know we have to do all these first and get through them but I’m dreading them all. We have planned a night out for petes birthday which I know he would of liked.

About a week ago we got the post mortom results which confirmed an overdose. As much as I knew this would be the case, it was still a shock. I think because of how different he had been before hand this time and there was no evidence around him this time I couldn’t be certain. Sadly there was more than enough in him to prove it.

What upsets me most is that he got hold of this medication.
I had control of his meds and we had a safe for them. None were missing from it.
It turned out that Pete has seen a nurse the week before and must of asked for a prescription which she gave him.
This makes me so mad, I know it’s not her fault whatsoever but with petes history why didn’t it flag up when he was asking for meds before they were due. I just feel more could be done in this area to help others in the future.

There have been so many changes since Pete died. What people don’t realise is all the things you have to do when someone dies.
Obviously I had to cancel the wedding. My mum tried to do the registry office for me but they wouldn’t accept it, I had to phone them. Which I did. They sent me an email confirming the cancellention with the reason being ‘fiance deceased’ I realise they have to write it but it’s a kick to read it on paper.
Aswell as those things though we have had to tell everyone and everything, then because there is an inquest we are unable to register the death till after the inquest next April!

We had to tell his car company as it was on finance, they were good in the sense money is wiped from the debt however they came and took the car within days of phoning. Watching it be driven away by somone else was hard.

Phone contracts have to be cancelled, bank accounts, passports, driving lisence, benefits, debts etc etc and you have to go through it with each person.

I must say o2 were very very good. They have a dedicated bearevment line and it was sorted within 15 mins. Others haven’t been so helpful. They still send post in his name, you get phone calls asking for him still. Its not easy.

But i guess these are the things you just don’t expect to be dealing with this young.

We planned the funeral. The days flew by before it.

The day before i spent running around trying to find something to wear and make the photo board. My best friend was with me the whole day and I’m very lucky for that. If you knew Pete you will know he had a huge love for kfc so it only seemed right that we went and got kfc and raised a chicken leg to him the night before❤️

I went in the funeral car with petes family, it was horrible. Silence and sobs. All of us.

The funeral service was beautiful, my best friend sat and held my hand throughout, I’m not a crier but i couldn’t stop.

The only few times Pete had ever spoken about his funeral was in silly ways. He told me he wanted me to put fireworks in with him so he went out with a bang. He wanted burn baby burn as one of the songs etc. Very very typical Pete 🙄

Unfortunately your not allowed fireworks put in….

I should also say, Pete used to wear a T shirt with baslager on it with a denim short sleeved shirt on top, where the shirt hung all you could read was slag… So this is how we asked the funeral directors to dress him ❤️he would of liked that.

We chose a couple of oasis songs, and you’ve got a friend in me from toy story. Pete was a huge fan of both.

I know alot of people came to the funeral but I feel like I barely saw anyone. All I remember is walking out and freaking out cause I couldn’t see my mum.

The wake was nice, I really don’t like the word wake, it seems ironic. Petes nieces called it party for Pete and I much prefer that ❤️

It was lovely and we all spent alot of time talking about Pete and listening to each others stories and memories. Me and petes sister ended up going down Poole Quay for drinks with some of his friends afterwards. That was hard. But I know Pete would of been glad that we did.

I don’t think the funeral could of gone any better, it just breaks my heart that Pete would never have thought so many people loved and cared enough to come for him. From an outsider you would never of known how insecure and how little he thought of himself.

My beautiful man. I miss him more and more each day. Everyone said it was gonna get harder before it gets better, there so right 💔

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

I wanted to write about how ive felt throughout our relationship and since Pete died.

I knew going into the relationship Pete had his demons. That would never have stopped me or would stop me though. We all have demons.
Obviously at first I didn’t know the extent of his difficulties. But they became fairly apparent early on, we were both very honest with eachother from the word go. We had both been involved with people who hadn’t treated us right and both were looking for somone to love us for us.

The first overdose was very scary. Im quite a private person and at first I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I did end up telling one friend, who picked me up from the hospital that night thankfully. I did feel let down. I cant lie. I couldn’t understand why he would want to do this when we had had 3 months of loveliness. But I knew deep down that was besides the point. I got through it and forced myself to be the strong one for us both.

The happy times did outweigh the bad for the majority of the time. Don’t get me wrong I wouldnt of been anywhere else but with my Pete, he made me a better person. But that doesn’t mean it wasnt tough. It’s so hard not to get brought down yourself when the person you love has lost all hope.

I did struggle, i felt some days absolute dispair. I just wanted my Pete back, my happy Pete. We would go out sometimes and he would freak out, be attached to me with such anxiety. Sometimes it would make mine worse. Getting him to do normal things like have a shower would cause silly arguments. It made me mad sometimes, not cause I didn’t understand or relate to a degree but because I just wanted him at his best. Some days I would get upset but I didn’t like to get upset around Pete because it upset him, he would feel guilty and I didn’t want to lower his mood anymore than it was.

I knew I was loved. Pete would never let me forget that, he told me so many times a day. I loved that.

It’s hard for me to speak about my feelings as I don’t always understand them myself but I know I wasn’t okay alot of the time. On the outside I was, but inside I wasn’t.

Since Pete died I haven’t felt okay at all. I feel guilty for doing anything, eating, going out, laughing. The smallest things catch me off guard and choke me up. I’ve had days where I have considored ending it myself. I’ve felt triggered to go back to my old ways and self harm. (I haven’t done). Those days are happening more regularly though. I can’t listen to so many songs without crying. I feel like it’s my fault. I worry that he stopped loving me. I miss him. So so much. It physically hurts. I feel broken. I’ve questioned everything a million times and gone back over every inch of our lives to see what I could of done differently or when I could of done more.
It’s exhausting.

Nighttime is the hardest, about 10pm and I feel so alone. People go to sleep but I can’t.
The questions don’t end, was it what he really wanted? Did he love me? Why wasn’t my love enough? Did i do something wrong? What about me? I know in his head he probably thought he was doing the best for everyone, he always said he was a burdon to me, but he never was. And now I feel like the burdon. I feel bad for talking to people about the same stuff all the time. I get to the point where I don’t reach out because I think they will be sick of me, when really I desperately need them.

Apparently everything I’m feeling is normal. But it’s so hard to believe. I’ve seen my GP regularly but they don’t offer counclling for the first 6 months. I can’t be re reffered to the mental health team because they will say in my situation it’s normal to feel how I do. It feels like no matter how much you ask for the help there’s a reason why they want give it. I’ve asked for it, I know I’m not doing okay and I knkw I need it. I’m not really sure what it takes to prove that anymore.

Broken.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

The coronor kept Pete for over 2 weeks. They kept changing the date he would be released and so we were unable to organise the funeral for a while.

They eventually released him on the 25th June.

Since the day he died, everyone kept asking me if I wanted to go and visit him when he was in the Chapel of rest. I’ve lost alot of people in my life but never been given the option to go and see them. It took me ages to decide that maybe i should go and and see him.

I was really scared. I didn’t know what to expect at all. People tried to explain it to me but nothing they said prepared me for it.

I decided before I went to see him that I wanted him to be wearing his wedding ring. Whether it be me who took it or somone else in the family I felt he would of wanted that. I have been wearing mine since the day he has been wearing his.

The Tuesday we got the phone call to say we could go and see him it was late afternoon, I decided if I was going to see him I had to go that day and soon before I changed my mind. My mum drove over and came with me that evening.

I think this is the most upsetting thing I’ve ever done. The funeral director took us down to where Pete was and went in first, my mum followed and told me it was okay and to come in. I couldn’t go fully in the room. I hovered by the door, I could see Pete but i was so upset I couldn’t go closer. It was very upsetting.

The only way I can describe it is that he was there, but he wasn’t there. I wanted to slap him and shake him till he woke up. I didn’t want this to be real.

I asked the funeral director to put petes wedding ring on for him which he did, he put the ring box in his other hand to.

Mum drove me home afterwards, I hate crying in front of anyone but I couldn’t help it that day.

That would be the final time I ever saw my soulmate.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

Friday 7th June 2019

This is the hardest post to write.

The day before (Thursday) I had been with my mum and bestie to collect my wedding dress 💛 had spent the rest of the day with Pete doing average crap, food shopping, cooking, washing etc. We watched love Island (don’t judge) bitched about love Island and went to sleep.

I need to explain one thing here, I have a major phobia of sickness. It’s no joke, I’ve had to have therapy for it which actually made it worse. The anxiety and panic attacks it gives me is exhausting.

I remember waking up around 3am I think. Pete ran outta the bedroom holding his mouth like he was gonna be poorly. I panicked and lay there trying to not listen but listen enough so I knew because it’s worse if I don’t know. Eventually he came back in and said he wasn’t feeling well, I asked if he was sick and he said he felt it but no. He said he would go and sleep on the sofa because he knew i would panic about catching anything. He went on downstairs and I went back to sleep.

I woke up around 8am. I text Pete cause I was worried that he would of been up all night poorly and I knew if I went downstairs and saw that I would go into complete panic mode.
He didn’t reply. I called him twice, nothing. This wasn’t unusual though, his phone was always on silent and if he had been up half the night he was probably soundo.

He had an appointment at 9am but I decided if he had been up all night he wouldn’t wanna go anyway so to leave it.

Around 9am I heard his mum get up and go downstairs, I don’t remember hearing her come back up but she burst through the bedroom door shouting at me he’s dead he’s dead.
I just remember sitting on the edge of the bed, I didn’t know what to say, eventually I said should I call an ambulance and she said it’s to late. So I phoned his sister.

She was round here within minutes. I couldn’t believe that he was dead at this point, it didn’t seem possible. But when his sister arrived I heard her start screaming and shouting, I heard her trying to resuscitate him. I rang my parents and my best friend and they all came straight round.

I couldn’t leave the bedroom, I was so scared. I didn’t know if this was real, everyone was sobbing and I just could not make sense of this.

Suddenly the house was full of people, 3 ambulances, 4 polices cars, family, etc. I never considered that this would happen. A really kind paramedic came to talk to me, he told me that by the time we woke up this morning there would of been nothing we could of done. I don’t think they stayed long as there was nothing they could do.

The police were all over the house, I had to give a statement that could be used at Inquest because I was the last person to see Pete alive. I can’t remember what I said. It’s all such an upsetting blur.

About 4 different policemen came to talk to me separately, so many questions, looked through my phone. It was horrible. I was trying to make sense of the situation but there was so much going on around me.

My parents had left by this point (my choice) but my best friend stayed with me, I wouldn’t of gotton through that day without her.

The police at first told us we had to leave the house so they could investigate properly, the front room was sealed off, they called it a scene but it was a crime scene.
I don’t remember getting dressed that day, I can’t really remember anything other than eventually coming downstairs. I asked them to close to the door to the front room because I didn’t want to see. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to expect.

We went and sat with the family in another room, it was horrible. We all were sobbing, everyone kept apologising to me. But it wasn’t there fault.

I can’t really remember what happened next, other than the police let us stay in the house but in one room, then they told us they had finished what they needed to do and the coronor was on the way to take Pete.

We were allowed to go and say goodbye, but I couldn’t go in there. It was horrible, no words are enough for how I felt.

We stayed out the back so none of us saw when the coronor took Pete.

I think the rest of the day I kept going on adrenaline. Just not the good kind. My friend took me to another friend’s, I wanted to be out of the house but not in public. Then we went to someone else’s house and then on again to someone else’s. I don’t think I got that upset after that morning, I was so numb. I couldnt stop talking about what had happened, but it wasn’t sinking in. I guess that’s what shock is.
It was almost like I was there but watching myself just go alongside what was happening around me.

I went into the only mode I know how and emailed the wedding vendors to cancel, I had to do something I could control. My world was falling apart around me.

I didn’t know where I wanted to be that night, but I eventually went back to Petes. I felt sick coming back into the house. The atmosphere wasnt good, his mum was worried about me, I was worried about them. It was just shit.

One major thing that bugs me about that day is that we couldn’t find petes phone. We spent the weekend searching absolutely everywhere for it, he never hid it so we panicked that he had hidden it for a reason. It wasn’t until the Tuesday after that the police told us they had taken it on the Friday. I was so angry about this.

I didn’t sleep that night.

The Saturday morning I had to phone round his closest friends to give them the news. We had only told family on the Friday.
I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone having to phone people and tell them, but we didn’t want them finding out from other avenues.

Later that day me and his sister both posted on Facebook. It was the hardest post I have ever written. I wouldn’t normally put anything like that on there but the word needed to be out there for others to see etc.

The love and support we all got was incredible. It’s such a hard concept that we don’t realise how much we mean to people until something so tragic happens. I am so grateful to every single person who has and continues to reach out and support us all. I got over a hundred messages that day.

I honestly don’t remember the rest of those few days now, and I feel like I’ve written enough for today. I appreciate this is a hard read, but I want to be honest. Pete and I built our love on honesty and I hope he would be proud of me for sharing our story.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

The police got back in contact and Pete had to go in for the voluntary interview. I went with him but waited in the car. 2 hours later he came back.

The person accusing him of harrasment didn’t have a leg to stand on. The accusations were all very mundane, it was such a relief. The solicitor told Pete not to worry. They didn’t even have an evidence.

I’m not gonna write about what the accusations were or anything as I don’t want said person using it against me.

All that worry and panic for essentially nothing. It was so frustrating. We were both very angry.

This was around April. Nothing really happened over April or early May other than that. We went to see take that in London in my birthday in May, we had a good day despite missing our coach home, but that was just me and Pete. If something like that didn’t happen it wouldn’t of been us ha 🤦🏼‍♀️

The last few weeks of May, we made the decision to postpone the party element of our wedding. The stress of paying for it was to much. Pete wasn’t happy about this, he blamed himself, no matter what i told him he wouldn’t believe me.

The plan was changed so that our family’s would attend the actual ceremony and we would go for a meal afterwards. The party would be postponed until probably early next year.

It wasn’t ideal but its what was best and at the end of the day we would be married and that was the most important part of it ❤️

The last week of May and first week of June came, Pete wasn’t doing well. But he was doing better than previous times. He knew that his mental health was having an effect on mine and he was hating himself because of this.

These couple of weeks are both a bit blurry now but I know there 2 conversations that stand out. One was because we talked about how it was effecting me and he told me to leave him so I could focus on myself. I told him no. We were in this together, I loved him, he was my soulmate and I am not the person to walk away just because its tough.

The other conversation was more worrying. I was on his phone for some reason (we both used each others, there was complete trust with that so nothing to hide). I was on the Internet and it came up with his previous search, how to posion yourself with diazapam.

I immediately panicked and questioned him about this. He said he knew that I had some (I have been prescribed it in the past but I hate taking it and haven’t had any for over a year, so he was wrong) he said he was struggling to sleep again so was just looking up things relating to it to see it it would help.

I got upset, it’s so hard to stay strong sometimes.

I honestly can’t remember what happened after that, my next memories is of Friday 7th June. The day that changed my life forever.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

As it turned out, I was the last to know. He had received a letter earlier that week and had hidden it. I do understand why he would of done this, because rightly so it worried me. However in a relationship you have to be honest, there is no point keeping things from your other half because eventually it always comes out and that makes it worse.

I was so confused, I couldn’t understand why said person who Pete had had nothing to do with for over 2 years would do this now. I believed him when he said he hadnt done anything, I was with him all the time, more so now he wasn’t working. There was no way he even had the time to harras anyone.

Pete was allowed home the next day. However no crisis team this time, it wasn’t offered.

I felt pretty let down, I had phoned his CPN when all this happened and he was going to take Petes case back but it felt like we were going home alone, and I wasn’t sure I could cope with how it was making me feel. I needed to be so strong for Pete but who was being strong for me?

Pete was asked to go in for a voluntary interview with the police, but we had to wait 2 weeks for this. 2 weeks of worry.

It was a Friday when he did go in for it, he asked for the duty solicitor (he was advised by his CPN to have one) but he wasn’t there so they sent Pete home and said they would ring him with another date. More time to stew and worry.

We didn’t hear from them again for a month.

Between the initial interview and the wait for the proper one Pete went down hill even more. I mean I’m not surprised, it was a really horrible time. He had no energy, he wanted to sleep all day, he didn’t want to live his life.

It was a Friday and I was up early to go and meet some friends. I tried to wake Pete to say goodbye but something didn’t sit right. He was more with it but he wasn’t right. So I cancelled going out and woke his mum.

Pete wasn’t making much sense, this will sound awful but I wasn’t even shocked this time, it was almost like I was expecting it to happen.

We phoned a ambulance and they came immediately. They checked his vitals etc and his blood pressure was very low. This time he had taken the same medication as the last aswell as blood pressure lowering pills.

I think we managed to get him help just in time because he was confused and not quite with it but not unconscious like before. The paramedics I must say were excellent. There was 3 of them and they were all so lovely and kind, that does make a difference in this kind of situation.

In A&E they ran tests and found that this time Pete had caused himself acute kidney failure. Obviously this was a huge worry. I find hospitals hard work, people say things and use words that not everyone would understand, no one explains things that well.

He was hooked up to multiple bags of fluid to try and reverse the damage to his kidneys. And flush the medicine out of his system.

He was moved to the ward fairly soon after that and we got him some food before going home. He still wasn’t with it properly and he needed rest again.

Thankfully after being kept in a few days they managed to reverse the damage to his kidneys. He would have to have regular blood tests to make sure but it was good news.

He was allowed home again, with no crisis team and no extra help. The stress of this was so hard to deal with.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

We went home and after a couple of stressful hours rang the hospital for an update. They said they were going to move him to the ward now, which hopefully meant he was coming round a bit.

We went straight back down to see him.

When we arrived he had only just been moved to the ward and was so confused. The nurse who knew the situation had gone on break so we were all a bit confused at this point.

He lost control of his bladder, which along with the confusion caused him great upset.

I sat with him for a couple of hours, but it was hard. He didn’t make any sense. It was like he knew what he wanted to say but when he opened his mouth the wrong words kept coming out. He got so frustrated and upset, it was so horrible to see.

We had to go home because visiting hours were up and Pete was getting himself in a state, he needed to sleep.

He text me that night, making little sense.

The next morning we found empty tablet packets hidden in his car, It was quetiapine.

Visiting hours wasn’t until after lunch so we went back early afternoon. Pete was making a bit more sense at this point but not himself.

Now before I go further I just need to add this, a few nights before this happened we had been sat downstairs with his mum when his phone rang. It was a local number but you know when someone watches it ring when they obviously had time to answer it but don’t, that’s what he did.

I questioned him about it and he told me it was a job agency, but this was about 8/9pm at night and I knew he was lying to me. We went upstairs and he said they left him a voicemail, I asked to listen to it but he had deleted it aswell as deleting the missed call.

I’ve been in previous relationships where I have been lied to consistently, this didn’t sit right with me but I let it go because he was getting mad and saying things like, you have to trust me, if you love me etc etc.

So back to the hospital. I was sat with Pete and he was showing me some messages on his phone when it rang. I don’t know why but instantly I answered it, it was the same number as the other night. It was the police.

I asked them why they were calling and the policeman told me it was to return petes phone call. At this point I felt sick. I was livid, worried everything at once.

He got off the phone and said that he hadn’t don’t anything and hadn’t wanted to tell me because u knew it would worry me.

But somone from his past had gone to the police accusing him of harrasment.

🌟Trigger Warning🌟

It was the end of March.

I’m forcing myself to remember this occasion so it may or may not make complete sense.

I woke up one morning to Petes mum knocking the door asking if we wanted to go out for breakfast with them. I said I’d wake Pete and ask.

We were in bed and so I went as normal to wake him up, but I got nothing back. I was calling his name, nothing. At first stupidly it didn’t occur to me something was wrong, he was a deep sleeper because of the medication he took. Within 30 seconds I knew something wasn’t right.

This sounds so bad now but I had to basically slap his face a few times and still no response so I went and got his mum back. She came and tried again, with no response at all she phoned 999.

The ambulance came and got the same response as us, he did sit upright at one point but his eyes were glazed over and he was opening his mouth like a fish, it was really strange. Almost like you would imagine if someone had had a stroke.

They took Pete to A&E and we followed in the car. I have a massive phobia of hospitals and germs so struggle with ambulances etc.

It was at this point I was told that Pete had taken some medication from his parents earlier in the week, he had told them he got rid of them before taking any but obviously we couldn’t be sure.

He also took some meds to the chemist to dispose of, I don’t know what happened to them.

I felt like this was all my fault. I was trying so hard to be supportive but it was eating me up inside. I knew Pete needed a job, otherwise the wedding woildnt be paid for. Equally I didn’t want to put pressure on him. But I had tried to mention it casually. I had gotton upset at times because I was struggling to cope, and it worried me that he had done this because he didn’t like to see me upset.

At the hospital Pete was in resus again. This time being monitored constantly by a nurse because he was effectively in a coma.

I don’t really understand it but on the Glasgow coma scale he was in a coma.

The only response the doctors managed to get was a slight one to pain when they put his canulas in.

We stood there talking to him and stroking him, I just wanted him to hold me. It was so so scary. At this point no one knew for sure that it was an overdose and because of this they had to treat him for a few things on the off chance.

They eventually told us to go and come back some hours later as he wasn’t going to be coming round anytime soon.

Walking away, broken, terrified, exhausted with worry. It takes its toll.

New year came and went and suddenly it was 2019, the year we were getting married ♥️

Pete had decided he didn’t want to stay in his job anymore, he wasn’t progressing quick enough for his liking. We all tried to talk him out of it, he had only been back in work 9 months but wanted to be so high up already.

But like i said previously if he got something in his head noone would stand in his way.

He went for a few interviews and managed to get himself a job as store manager to a food outlet. I was immensely proud of him, but also worried.

He assured me this would be the best for us, he always wanted to provide for me, he always said he had to look after me.

He started the new job and that’s where it ended. It wasnt what he expected and after one day he came home a different man again, confidence gone, low, broken.

This was what i was scared of.

This hit him hard, he was embarrassed, he felt like he had let me and others down, it took all his confidence away. No matter what I or anyone said we couldn’t change his view.

Over the next month or so I tried to encourage him to apply for other jobs, but he had no motivation whatsoever. It was horrible to see him go from being so enthusiastic to so broken all over again.